Using the FBI structure

Summarising what both Simon and Jefferson have to say, let’s apply the FBI approach. The structure is as follows

Before you start: check in with a simple “Is now a good time?” so the other person is ready to listen. Saying some of these phrases before you use FBI could be helpful “I might get this wrong” “I’m finding this challenging” “I don’t know how to do this” “Please bear with me” “I might say the wrong thing” “It is more important I have this conversation versus me doing it perfectly” “Can you help me with that?”

• Feeling We feel before we think.  Where possible, replace you with I.  Start the phrase with “I feel.” No one can argue with how you feel.  To describe how you feel, leverage the feelings wheel https://feelingswheel.com.  Good words to include are confused, struggling and worried

• Behaviour Focus on what you have seen them do or heard them say, not character.  Where possible replace you with I.

• Impact On you, other’s outcomes or the work.  As a result of this behaviour, what did you or others go on to do or be?  Where possible replace BUT, HOWEVER.  Instead use AND

After you share FBI: close the loop with “What are your thoughts?” or “How do you see it?” to make it a true conversation

The benefits of FBI are…

• It’s not personal or judgmental

• The person can reflect and learn

• It’s quick and structured

• It’s giving the gift of self-awareness

Before you use this structure…

It is important to

• Give feedback once emotions have cooled.  Strike whilst the iron is cold.   Don’t try to have the conversation in the heat of the moment, we can’t have a conversation when we are emotional.  Do it at a time where you are both calmer and able to get perspective.  When we are emotionally heightened our brain loses its executive capability.  It can take between 20 to 30 minutes for our brain to calm.

• Be prepared to re-anchor the conversation, as the brain's first response is often denial. As author Dan Brown says..

  “The human mind has a primitive ego defence mechanism that negates all realities that produce too much stress for the brain to handle.  It’s called denial.”

• Practice with someone you trust to ensure your concern is valid, the message is clear, and to get feedback

• Treat this as a conversation and not a one-way dialogue to understand challenging behaviours.  The point is to find out what is going on and create shared understanding.  Follow with HOW and WHAT questions and together develop strategies and accountability with those you work with

• Build confidence by using it to “catching people doing things right.”  Public if positive, private if sensitive