Boss to Coach Conversation 2 of 5 Everyday Feedback
Week 4 - The Redirect Continued

The Redirect: At Point Difficult or Point Crisis

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Lesson 12 The Redirect: At Point Difficult or Point Crisis

Sometimes feedback in the everyday won’t be enough, especially when there are opposing opinions, strong emotions, and high stakes.

There is a lot written about this specific topic and this final lesson is not designed to cover it all.  Instead it is to give you an overview and point you in the direction of further reading

Watch Simon Sinek explain how to confront someone effectively

In summary, when giving feedback to someone there are three things you specifically need to say (think FBI)

  • Feeling We feel before we think.  Use the phrase “I feel.” I cannot argue with what YOU feel and think

  • Behaviour What have you seen them do?  What have you heard them say?

  • Impact As a result of this behaviour, what did you or others go on to do or be?  

The challenge with point difficult or point crisis feedback is that as Dan Brown says,

“The human mind has a primitive ego defence mechanism that negates all realities that produce too much stress for the brain to handle.  It’s called denial.”

Optional Activity I wonder if we could use the FBI technique to give positive feedback as well. It helps us be specific and means we get to practice for the times when we really need to land our message. 

An expansion on FBI is the structure of BUILD

BUILD is a useful tool.  It incorporates FBI and extends its format to a conversation/coach approach to find out what is going on and agree on an action plan moving forward.  Often there is more than what we are seeing that is driving a response.

Optional Activity Read the blog article on our how our approach to challenging conversation can change the response

The elements of BUILD are…

  • B State the situation.  Talk about the BEHAVIOUR not the person or judgement.  What did they do?  What did they say?  Avoid using YOU.  Instead use WE and I.  Be clear and specific

  • U UNDERSTAND the context, don’t judge.  Avoid starting your question as WHY, instead use HOW and WHAT

  • I Describe the IMPACT on you and others.  How does this make you feel? Then state the reason. Pause after you have used a feeling word to allow their brains to catch up.  Avoid using the words BUT, HOWEVER.  Instead use AND.  Use the feelings wheel to find an accurate word

  • L (LISTEN to their point of view – “What was happening there?”

  • D State what you need.  Be specific.  This is your strategy for fixing things, so it doesn’t happen again.   Start with the phrase “I need…” Then ask, “What could we do DIFFERENTLY next time?” or “How do we make that happen?”

The benefits of BUILD are…

  • It’s not personal or judgmental

  • The person can reflect and learn

  • They do most of the speaking

  • It’s quick and structured

  • It’s giving the gift of self-awareness

Before you use this structure…

It is important to plan

  • Practice the conversation with someone you trust to ensure your concern is valid, the message is clear, and to get feedback

  • The aim is to treat it like a conversation to understand challenging behaviours and together develop strategies and accountability with those you work with

  • Don’t try to have the conversation in the heat of the moment, we can’t have a conversation when we are emotional.  Do it a time where you are both calmer and able to get perspective.  When we are emotionally heightened our brain loses its executive capability.  It can take between 20 to 30 minutes for our brain to calm.

  • Sometimes we focus on trying to get it perfect and this will stop us having the conversation at all.  Saying some of these phrases before you use BUILD could be helpful “I might get this wrong” “I’m finding this challenging” “I don’t know how to do this” “Please bear with me” “I might say the wrong thing” “It is more important I have this conversation versus me doing it perfectly” “Can you help me with that?”

Activity What is some feedback you haven’t given, that you need to give?

  1. Read Page 21 of your Black Workbook

  2. Complete the BUILD table on Page 20

  3. For I and to describe what you are feeling, leverage the Feelings Wheel

  4. For D Identify what one of your strengths needs by reviewing the My Signature Themes I Bring; I Need report on Page 9 of your White Workbook and the column I Need

  5. Share the outputs with your team leader or a colleague before you have the conversation

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