Need More Balance? How About Thinking In Seasons
Often I hear in coaching "I need to get more balance in my life." I felt the same way too when I was in my early 20s. I believed I could have the high powered job, a family life, do something for charity, have a hobby, and give 100% perfectly to all of it. I would write this list and “balance” as a goal every year. This came crashing down a bit when I got to my 30s, not married, spent every hour working, and almost burnt out.
What I came to realise is that it was almost impossible to work and get enough rest at the same time. Finally after repeatedly getting it wrong, I've realised committing to holidays is important. Taking time off at Christmas. Getting that afternoon nap. Ensuring I have one day a week that I don't not work (by the way I fail at this one often). I've also made the choice to not take a new job for the reason that I have needed to slow down a bit and focus on something else.
For me, ( after being knocked around a bit and having a little more life experience ; In Strengths language we call this “developing character”), I have come to realise that life is actually seasons. There's times when we work hard. There's times when we get to rest - such as a good holiday. And these don’t all exist exclusively but all constantly compete for our attention.. We decide where we put our focus based on our priorities and what we negotiate with others.
The question I now ask myself is “am I driving what I am doing, or is what I am doing driving me?” The strengths language has been helpful for me in defining where I have over -used a strength. My ACHIEVER (stamina for working hard) is my default. My dad had me working with him from a very early age - I think from around the age of 10. I went concreting most weekends and it was my job to shove the shingle into the concrete mixer. Doing is in my MO, and it is pervasive in every part of my life.
So if there is no such thing as balance, what do we do now? In the book Strengths Based Selling by Tony Rutigliano and Brian Brim they talk about this particular challenge. Their advice:
Work/life balance is a myth. Realising that we can work toward a more integrated life, rather than a balanced life, is the first step toward building a stronger sense of wellbeing.
There is no end date to integration – you won’t ever “win.” Integration is how you live your life every day. And it will never be perfect. But if it’s too imperfect ask for help.
You cannot do it alone. You need to tell the important people in your life that you’re working on integration, ask for their help, explain how they benefit, get their buy in.
You have to think small. If you don’t try to achieve “work versus family,” but rather think in terms of lesser manageable chunks that make sense “e.g. leave work at 5pm at least two days per week”, you will be more successful.
Integration takes time and effort. Understanding how your talents work for and against integration will help you develop them into strengths that you can use to gain a holistic perspective of yourself.